I am a fraud. I don’t mean to be, nor do I want to be a fraud. And yet, I am.

I’ve fought for months over whether or not to tell you the truth—to open my heart and let you see the blood seeping out. Crimson, discolored, iron-rich. Rich with deceit. But not necessarily lies. Deceit that feels especially wrong during the Lenten season.

You see, I have doubts… about it all.

Whenever I write posts such as The Heart of Christian Romance: Stories That Strengthen Faith and Hope, I mean every last word. I truly painted that picture with all the genuine love and feelings that Christian romance brings me. But the truth is, some days—if not most days right now—Christian romance is the only thing keeping my faith intact. It’s sad but true. And, honestly, it’s been that way for a while.

For almost a year now, I’ve been floating in this strange space, believing part of this religion, part of that one, and maybe even a little of another. Most of these are Christian, but I find wisdom in other faiths too, particularly in how they guide us to interact with the world. There are so many sides and views that it’s difficult to determine what’s right. But I am seeking God and Jesus said, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). He wants us to desire to live under the rule of the one true God. All I have to do is want it—and I do. And when planting my feet firmly in Christianity, I have some assurances that when I do what is asked of me, I will receive these things I’m searching for. Jesus reassures us, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7).

Here’s where I struggle: religion seems to be a cultural phenomenon. If I were born in another country or era, I might believe something entirely different. I could be Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, or Jewish. Every religion believes it has the truth. Maybe none of us do—including me. I want to believe, but sometimes, belief feels just out of reach. It does bring me comfort to know that I’m not the first to feel this way. In Mark 9:24, the father of the child who was believed to be possessed cried out “I believe; help my unbelief!” Luckily for me, and for this boy’s father, Christ chooses us, and it’s not based on how little or how much we believe—just on His love for us.

My pastor—yes, I am attending church again—believes that we all struggle with doubts and that it’s okay to have them. He says that if we’re questioning God, it’s still a conversation with Him. But what if my doubts and questions are the ones God is not so pleased with? If you’ve ever felt this way too, be assured when Jesus comforts us, saying, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” (John 14:1). He does not say how strongly we have to believe. Like Jesus told the apostles when they asked for more faith “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” (Luke 17:6).

I see my faith a little like a game of ring toss. I’m out in the yard, playing with family. There’s only a slight breeze in the air. And yet, no matter how hard I try, the ring never quite makes it over the peg. It gets close, maybe even touches it, but it never lands. I want the ring to glide effortlessly over and down the peg, but frustration keeps me from making the right toss. I analyze the wind, my trajectory, my stance—but no matter what, it’s always off. The facts are there. I know the wind is blowing slightly west, and my throw tends to drift east. But I just can’t seem to put it all together to make the toss that scores the point, brings the victory, makes me squeal with glee.

Faith feels like that sometimes. I try and try, but it feels just out of reach. I read, I pray, I go to church, and yet, it still feels like something is missing. And that’s when I have to remind myself that faith isn’t about having all the answers. “For we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7). I just have to trust in God. Trust in His promise.

So I will continue to read the manuals that help me understand—Christian fiction, the Bible, devotionals, anything I can get my hands on. Because James tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Maybe that’s all I can do right now—keep asking, keep seeking, and trust that one day, I’ll finally get the ring to land. I know I’ll be able to, if I let God guide my hand.

All verses are ESV and can be found in the Bible in your hand or by visiting Bible Gateway.

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For Reflection

1. Are you currently struggling with faith, or have you ever struggled in the past? Reflect on how doubts make you feel, then reach out to the Savior for guidance and peace.
2. How can you remind yourself of Jesus’s promises when you feel like your faith is “just out of reach”? Think about times when you’ve felt God’s presence. Make note of them so you can bring them back to mind when needed.
3. What specific books, Bible studies, or devotionals have helped you deepen your trust and understanding of God? Identify additional books, devotionals, or Bible studies by the same authors to utilize in the future.

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Stories for the Soul

Christian fiction can strengthen hope and faith in our everyday lives. These stories offer an escape while addressing real issues that we face. The following books feature main characters who struggle with doubts about God and their beliefs. I hope that as you read, you’ll discover that you’re not alone in these thoughts. As we all know, fiction is often rooted in reality.

• Her Amish Refuge by Pamela Desmond Wright (review coming soon)
•  Rediscovering Christmas by Mindy Obenhaus
• Tracking the Missing by Sami A. Abrams (review coming soon)